February 20, 2014 - Week 11.5
I've been really jealous of Sharayah's excellent posts about the baby. I touched a little on this on my non-secret post from today, but I find myself very frustrated by my inability to express the thoughts and emotions I've been going through throughout the last few months. I'm ridiculously excited to start this phase of my life. A fair percentage of the time it doesn't seem quite real or it doesn't sink in completely, but other times it's crazy real. It's just the tiniest bit scary but mostly it's great.
I feel like I'm just supposed to be a dad. It's what I'm meant for. I'm just wired to want to have a family and provide for them. I'm not particularly ambitious about my career (says the guy working on his PhD...). I'm really not. I actually relate with Sharayah's mom vs career post really well, because I think I'm made to be a dad. I plan to be a great one. I want to have a good job and work hard and succeed at it, but it'll always just be a job to me. I'm only doing it to provide for my family. I think our culture being so wrapped up in career-as-identity is off the mark. I'll be a math professor because I'm great at math and I enjoy helping others learn it, but that's not who I am. I'm going to be a dad. I'll acknowledge that some people probably say the same thing about parenthood-as-identity, but I respectfully disagree.
Today we got to hear the heartbeat for the first time. I can't believe how moving it was. Sharayah's the worrier; I'm boundlessly optimistic (at least when it comes to my own life). So, while Sharayah went in with fears that maybe she wasn't really pregnant or maybe there was something wrong with the baby or its heart wouldn't beat or it wouldn't be growing in there at all, I already knew everything would be fine. Still, when I heard that beating heart, it was such an amazing experience. It was so real. You can insert more complaints here about the inadequacy of my words to describe my feelings.
I don't know if it's silly or whatever, but it feels incredibly fulfilling to have had a part in creating something with a beating heart growing inside Sharayah. All glory to God for the miracle of life, but He did use me as an integral part of the process. He only did it once without using a man, and this time I was the man. It's probably dumb, but nothing's ever made me feel as fulfilled as a man. I'm going to be a father to a whole little person who I helped to make.
Dear tiny little half-Asian kpluBlet,
I already can't wait to meet you. I'll try to be the best dad for you I can be. Your mom tells me you have ears now. Maybe I can lay off the typing and go talk to you now.