It is official. I HAVE A PERSON INSIDE OF ME. I'm not entirely sure what to do with that. I feel like jumping on our bed, but A) I don't know if that's becoming for a parent-to-be (?) and B) I am still questioning whether every little thing I do is good for the kpluBlet. Because there IS a kpluBlet. We saw him/her. I saw the dancing. And stretching. And fist pumping. And leg crossing. And heart beating. I saw it. It is real. God is breathtaking.
This week has been filled with many held breaths and fears and stomach jumblies and too many crying-for-no-reason episodes and worries and now... Such joy. We saw our baby. Everything in the world is good. God is faithful.
Unbeknownst to me, apparently water gorging is recommended before going in for an ultrasound. So, being the ridiculous people that we are, Jason and I did a practice water-gorging run the night before our appointment. Why did Jason participate you ask? Because he is that awesome of a father-to-be. I love him so ridiculously much. So, we sat. We drink 32+ ounces of water. And then we waited to see how long we could keep from running to the bathroom. It was quite the experience.
What was gained from this practice run? I discovered that chugging that much water in such a short period of time elicits a very odd sensation. I could eventually feel the water in my bladder, my stomach, and my esophagus all at the same time. I do not advise it. It's weird. Secondly, I discovered that there exists a very real fear of accidentally peeing yourself and not being able to do anything about it. I did not know this prior. I have never had that fear. For a 12-hour period this week, I experienced this fear. It's a tad awkward.
Luckily for everyone involved, no change of pants was needed. All of my dignity remains intact. Whew.
For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.
This passage has never seemed so real to me as it does now, now that I have seen the absolute miracle of a life inside of me. Me. Who am I? The honor of being such a tangible part of such a miraculous work of God leaves me speechless.
God, Who laid the foundations of the earth, Who has caused the dawn to know its place, Who has given the horse its might, and Who has commanded the eagle to mount up and make its nest on high, has spoken a tiny little being into existence and has granted us the honor of raising it to live the life purposed by Him. It is mind blowing, and we do not take the responsibility lightly. Lord, help us to never take this responsibility lightly.
Who knew a tiny little fig-sized person could seem more miraculous than the creation of the entire heavens and earth?
Dear Tiny Little Half-Asian kpluBlet,
The miracle that is you absolutely astounds me. To see all 2 inches of you, your little hands, your little feet, your little belly... There are no words. Some may say that your growth and development and very existence is just a biological process, something that just is. I cannot see it that way. I can only see you as the most wonderful, deliberate, miraculous creation, personally created and formed by God Himself, wholly and truly perfect in His image. You could never be anything less.
Every day we pray for you and your continued health and growth. I admit, I sometimes allow my worrisome nature to take over as I think about all of the developments you have yet to go through and all of the time that remains until we get to meet you and hold you. But more and more, I am trying to rely on the knowledge that God has a personal, specific interest in you and that His hands are forming you. Because that is the bottom-line truth: You are being formed by the same God who commands the seas of the world. It's crazy, I know. Who am I to doubt His power and authority?
So, grow, little one. And know that, even now, months before you ever take your first breath of air, you are loved incredibly. I hope it's cozy for you in there. <3