jibber jabber

Blogging has been on my to-do list for months. I have several posts started and none finished. This stresses me out. 

Conversational hilarity has been happening in this house for months. I have several batches of notes on my phone filled with ridiculousness. This pleases me to no end.

So. I will, yet again, take care of the former by using the latter. And then I'm going to attempt some falafel.

Welcome to our world:

Me: "Did you know they're having Ninja Warrior tryouts in St. Louis this year?"

Jason: "I... I can't do that."

Lucas: "I'm riding my moon bicycle."

Me: "How do you not just float away?"

Lucas: "...uh, because of the stabilizers and weights, of course."

Voice from the boys' bedroom: "Daaadddy. Daaaaadddy."

Jason: "What do you need, Finley?"

Voice: "The closet door is open. And I'm Lucas." 

Jason: "As long as they stay away from the super high notes, Junior Asparagus does just fine."

Finley: "Oh! It's the tomato siren."

Lucas: "No, that's the tornado siren."

Finley: "My ankles hurt."

Me: "Show me. Where are your ankles?"

Finley, pointing to his chest: "Here."

Me: "Those aren't your ankles. Those are your nipples. Your ankles are down here by your feet."

Finley: "Oh. Well, my nimples hurt."

Lucas: "I think the alligator is actually Big Bear's flower making machine."

Jason: "I don't think any parent can imagine their kid being 37."

Lucas, making a Lego creation: "It's supposed to look like an upside-down bed. And when someone lies down on it, it flashes a really bright light."

Me: "Okay... Why does it flash a really bright light?"

Lucas: "Well, you never know when you might need a bright light in your bed."

Jason: "Ladies don't buy chocolate for men. That's just the way it is."

Me: "...it's just a one-sided pun."

Jason: "No, that's just mispronouncing a word."

Finley: "My heart is sad. Oh, now it's happy." 

Jason: "A bird in a hand is worth a whole bush full of birds."

Finley: "I can't see with my eyes."

Finley: "I found two cows."

Lucas: "You're only supposed to find one cow."

Finley: "I found two cows."

Lucas: "Oh, that's not a cow. That's a dog. Or maybe a goat."

Finley: "Oh. I think it might be a dog. Or maybe a funny dog."

Lucas: "Or maybe a goat."

Finley: "Yeah, it's a dog."

Lucas: "It could be a goat."

Finley: "Or a DOG."

Lucas: "Or a goat.

Finley: "IT'S. A. DOG!" 

Me: "Is this piece of bread too big for you?"

Finley: "Yes, it's too big."

Me: "Oh, well I can break it in half-."

Finley: "No! I want it to be too big." 

Jason: "Book characters are never as smart as me." 

Lucas: "I feel like warming your butt would help you poop." 

Me: "Look at those birds in the sky!"

Lucas: "Maybe they're looking for worms."

Finley: "Uh, there are no worms in the sky."

Finley: "How do you foot this football? How do you foot it?"

Finley: "I don't want this sticker to say ho ho ho. I want it to say panda."

Me: "Well, I can't really make that happen..."

Finley: "But God can, right? Maybe God will make it happen."

Finley: "Walruses do like to eat fish. And hippos do like to see feet sticking up out of the water."

*commercial*: "If it's got to be clean, it's got to be Tide."

Finley: "I DO want my clothes to be clean. Someone needs to wash my clothes."

Lucas: "Color-changing chameleons, you are no match for my mighty sword!"

Jason: "What do you do with a giant loaf of bread?" 

Finley: "Will you share that bandaid?"

Finley: "Your whole face is in your eye!" 

Finley: "If you sit on a Lego, you might get a headache in your butt." 

Lucas: "I'm coloring the ATLANTIC ocean with PACIFIC blue!"

Jason: "You're going to poop? On your BIRTHDAY?"

Finley: "Alligators really like to eat apples... I wonder why?"

Jason: "I think I've had several emotions... Happiness. Sleepiness. I have emotions."

Finley: "Every time I sleep, my mouth gets bigger."

Jason: "Finley, you might not be big enough to go to in the crow's nest."

Finley: "But... But I might FEEL big enough."

Finley: "I'm brushing my teeth with applesauce. Applesauce still makes my teeth bright." 

Lucas: "What kind of bug is on the ceiling? Is it an ant?"

Jason: "No, it's bigger than an ant."

Finley: "Maybe a daddy ant?"

Lucas: "Is it a fly?"

Jason: "No, it's bigger than a fly."

Finley: "Maybe it's a daddy fly?"

Lucas: "I can actually hear myself blinking! It sounds like foofah foofah."

Finley: "Wucas, Wucas! There's a bird in our yard! Wucas, come see the bird in our backyard."

Lucas: "Ooh, ooh, okay! What's it doing?"

Finley: "It's walking around like a bird!"

Lucas: "Oh..."

Jason: "I have to put a diaper on Sebi."

Finley: "Why can't he have... a plain butt?"

Finley: "I'm a party dancer!"

Finley: "What are you doing?"

Me: "I'm cleaning my glasses. They're really dirty."

Finley: "How did they get so dirty?"

Me: "Well, I probably-."

Finley: "Maybe you dropped them in the mud a really, really long time ago."

Jason, watching birds do their mating dances: "It looks like... What's that thing people used to be into? Tweaking?"

Me: "Twerking..."

Finley: "Do you want this hat, Wucas?"

Lucas: "No, I have all the hats I need."

Finley, quietly to himself: "I DON'T have all the hats I need..."

Me: "I'm thinking of an animal that's gray. It has four big feet and REALLY big ears-."

Finley: "An elephant!"

Me: "Yes! You got it! Okay, your turn."

Finley: "I'm thinking of an animal with four feet and he has little ears and he has brown fur with blue spots."

Me: "...um, hm, I don't know? I give up."

Finley: "It's a moose!"

Me: "A moose with blue spots?? I've never seen a moose with blue spots before!"

Finley: "Me either. But that's what it looked like in my head so... that's what I said."

Finley: "Mommy, you look pretty in all that gray."