three is one

Dear Sebastian,

There's just something about you. You make motherhood fresh and new. You are contentment now and hope tomorrow. No matter how hard I try, I cannot describe the depth of my love for you.

Maybe it is the three months you spent sleeping next to me every night after you were born - you sweetly swaddled right underneath my arm, while I lay there with bated breath hoping your face never lost its look of perfect peace. Maybe it is the hours spent nursing you - you perfectly content to just sit and stare and periodically suck, while I kept flicking your ears and tweaking your cheeks to make you focus on the task. Maybe it is the intense must-only-have-mama weeks and months long "phases" you have - you going from abject sadness to utter contentment as soon as you are in my arms, while I have to listen to you cry like your heart is broken if I so much as turn my back on you.

For whatever reason, our mama/baby bond feels ever so strong, ever so close. And that's why this one year celebration of your beautiful life seems to feel extra hard. I can't stand the thought of losing that bond with you. You are everything I wanted for my third baby. You are everything I didn't even know I needed in a baby. I know you turning one doesn't change anything, really, but it does make me wonder: what will our bond be like in a year? two years? five years? My hope is that you will always want to snuggle, that you will always reach out for me when you're sad, that you will always have some only-need-mama times.

Watching you enter this new phase of learning and growing is so exciting. Your first steps. Your first face plant. Your first Get Right Back Up. I love this stage. I love seeing your mind come alive with thoughts and desires and problem solving. Can you fit that entire cup in your mouth? Conclusion: You cannot. I love your babbling and squeaking and grunting. I eagerly await the moment you discover the power of words, your voice melding into the already present cacophony of your brothers' voices. I can't wait to see if you are a singer or a dancer or a music maker. 

Here are my requests of you at this moment: 

1. Please give your poor thumb a break. You are our first thumb-sucker and we appreciate your ability to soothe yourself, but your thumb looks so tired. 
2. Never lose your thigh rolls.
3. No matter how old you are, keep giving out those tight, arms-flung-wide hugs.

Sebastian Oliver, I love you, I love you, I love you. I will tell you fifteen times a day. I will whisper it in your ear until you swat me away. I will accidentally shout it in your ear because I have poor volume control. I will love you no matter what you do, no matter how you feel, no matter where you go.

You are cherished beyond belief, Sebi. Happiest of birthdays, my little friend!

Love,

Mama