clickbait [or "9 Baby-Related Things That Just Might Gross You Out - Number 6 Will Blow Your Mind!"]

I don't think I've ever mentioned here how much I ridicule/mock [on a good day] or despise/abhor [on a bad day] those ridiculous clickbait article/video headlines ["It's been nearly a DECADE since we've seen THIS!"] and never-ending lists of completely inane yet overly specific topics ["24 Times Britney Spears Was the Coolest Mom Ever"]. So I think it's time I just get it all out of my system. 

No, I will not click that picture to go to a list of pictures of people posting pictures of people doing weird things in pictures.
No, weather.com, I only want to know what the forecast is [just for amusement, of course, as I am already aware that your predictions are based solely on three shakes of an eight ball] and I do not care for you to auto-play "New Rule the DMV Doesn't Want You to Know."
No, if sharing the article on Facebook first is the only way for me to read the article, then I am just going to have to do without knowing whatever it is you think will make my jaw hit the floor.
No, I do not want to know about how a celebrity I don't know has accomplished something that I don't care to ever accomplish.
No, I do not want to read a list that promises to tell me 23 distinct facts but that is really just a narrative of 23 sentences that only loosely pertain to the original topic.
No, simply claiming that I will only believe it once I see it is not enough of a reason for me to click your video/picture/ebay auction item.
No, a 47-item list is too long. Especially since I know those last 29 items will be either redundant, weak, or stupid.

Okay, Whew. I'm feeling a little bit better now. I think the last thing to do, to fully rid myself of the despicable feelings that this topic broils in my belly, is to create my own horrid clickbait list thingimabob. Just completely desensitize myself to it. And then be done with it. 

Without further adieu...

9 Baby-Related Things That Might Gross You Out - Number 6 Will Blow Your Mind!

  1. Once your baby's arms grow long enough, he will insist on picking your nose while he munches away at the Milk Bar. You are no longer able to move your head far enough away. You are no longer skilled enough to manhandle his roaming extremity while maintaining a satisfactory feeding position. You will turn your head away to protect your nose and he will contentedly start clearing your now exposed ear of all of your unwanted and wanted earwax. You will not win this battle.
  2. The answer to "Is this too much avocado on my son's pants for the pants to be wearable?" is always, always, always "It's not so bad. You can barely see it if you scrape at it a little."
  3. A related question is, "Can you see the giant drool spots on my shirt or can I just cover it with the baby carrier when I go out?" The answer is basically the same as #2.
  4. Pop quiz: When presented with a poopy diaper, where do you have to clean up the most? If you said the tush, you would be... incorrect. Studies have shown* that the baby's bottom is often the cleanest part of the baby inside the diaper. At the top of the messy list is Everything But the Butt. That's all. 
  5. If you have ever wondered what would happen if your baby sneezes with a mouthful of sweet potato, wonder no more. What happens is exactly what you would expect. You will never stop finding sweet potato splatter. Ever.
  6. While on the topic of food, let's discuss peas and their uncanny resemblance to lentils once they have... resurfaced. It is a fascinating process. You watch perfectly tasty green peas being gobbled up by your baby, and the next morning you are greeted with a diaper-ful of what appear to be perfect specimens of lentils. Which brings to mind the kopi luwak and its rather questionable process of harvesting coffee beans. With these two prime examples, I rather think we have an untapped world of possibilities in the culinary world.
  7. One last note on diapers: Opening that 7 a.m. diaper is akin to an archaeologist's search for the Holy Grail - you never know what you're going to find, but you know it's going to be epic.
  8. Bathwater desecration. Need I say more?
  9. Drool. There is no end to it. But, really, everyone already knows this. What everyone does not know is how difficult it is to lean over your baby making those classic phbbttttt sounds while keeping your own drool in check. Some days you succeed. Other days... Well, let's just say it's good to have an understanding with your child about the two-way street that is drooling.

Life is grand. There is no question about it.

Tomorrow marks my first official Mamamomombabomb Day [known to most as Mother's Day, but I'll take what I can get] and 7th anniversary of being Jason's lady. Those are some pretty stellar things to celebrate. We may pop open a fizzy drink, read a little Pooh Bear, or even break out the vacuum and go a little crazy [clean carpet, whaaat!]. While we aren't really ones to make Grand Plans, I know the day will include tons of time with my two fellas. I'm looking forward to it. <3 Here's to many, many, many more!

Family pictures are tricky.

*based on a sample group of one 7.5-month old male of South Korean and Caucasian descent residing at a latitude of 39 degrees north

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