once upon a time

Four years ago today, we got engaged. It simultaneously feels like it was only a year or so ago and way more than four years ago. Time is odd like that.

"...i love jason, and i don't care if i'm a sap about it right now. do you know how weird (in a completely good way) it is to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that something is right? and this is right. he's so good for me, in so many ways. i second guess everything. everything. everything. but not this. why not? i know rarely is a thing perfect. and i know something that can span decades like a relationship leaves plenty of room and time for a flaw or imperfect moment. yet the thought of spending my life with him excites me. to no end. in all aspects. i know i'm supposed to marry him. and for once, i want more than anything to do what i know i'm supposed to do. God loves me. isn't it awesome?"

I wrote that four years ago and every single bit of it is still true (which is really saying something for me since usually when I look back at what I've written [three or more years in the past] it just makes me laugh at my own silliness/stupidity [which isn't always a bad thing]). Every single word is still true.

The absolute feeling of "this is right" rarely comes to me, frustratingly enough. And because of this, I tend to avoid the responsibility of as many life-altering "big" decisions as possible. That was always one of my worries, that I wouldn't know for sure when it came to big decisions. Because, likely as not, I would probably just decide not to decide and in doing that possibly make a huge mistake. Or take the 70/30 chance of choosing one of the options and, again, possibly make a huge mistake. God truly blessed me in that He not only gave me a best friend but He also let me know that he was to be my best friend for life, which I almost appreciate just as much.

The feeling of just knowing something with complete clarity and peace is exhilarating. I wish I had those moments more often, especially since knowing there is such a feeling makes all decisions that much more apprehensive if the feeling isn't there. But that's life. I suppose it might get boring if there wasn't some sense of unpredictability.

Anyway, that's all I wanted to write. Jason has a homework assignment due tomorrow so it may be a long night tonight. Oh, and speaking of Jason, his birthday is coming up. I had a perfect/funny/awesome gift for him, but it's not going to get here in time. This saddens me. Oh well, a late gift is kinda better than no gift, right?

This kitten doesn't think so. I am thoroughly reprimanded.

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