new year, new post

I have simple desires and I'm not a very ambitious person. While this admittedly sometimes has a negative side [ie. the daily state of my house], it really works for me when it comes to the first day of a new year and all of the ever optimistic resolution making that often goes along with it. Some may call it aiming low - I call it setting myself up for success.

Goals/resolutions/fingers-crossed hopes for 2019:

• Cook some napa cabbage
• Lotion my hands more
• Easily slide another human being out of my uterus
• Write another post before May
• Teach a 4-year-old to wipe his own bottom
• Eat at a new restaurant
• Read 100 mediocre books
• More spaghetti nights
• Let Jason dust the house once this year
• Teach 1-year-old to say something. Anything. 
• Resist buying more wrapping paper

Stretch goals for 2019:

• Transition from hand washing dishes to using a dishwasher
• Trick my kids into liking eggs
• Increase my showered-to-unshowered days ratio
• Embrace the present
• Focus on gratitude

goodbye 2018 - hello year of how-is-it-almost-2020

Some things I am not good at

Some things I am evidently not good at:

• Writing regular blog posts. The last one I wrote that was not part of the 10-year anniversary series was when Finley was born.
• Phone surgery. The battery in my phone died (really died, as in full-charge-lasts-4-minutes dead), and as with many recent phones it was not accessible. For my particular phone, the only way to access the battery is to:
• Use a heat gun to melt the adhesive holding the screen on.
• Use a suction cup to pull said screen off.
• Use special phone repair tools to disconnect the screen from the circuit board.
• Unscrew about 20 tiny screws.
• Pop out the big metal thing covering the battery and circuit board.
• Replace the battery
• Reverse all that, except the adhesive, which is melted.
• Use special super thin tape phone repair adhesive to reattach the screen.
You can watch someone do it correctly here. I actually thought it had gone well, since I didn't crack the screen (the most common mistake in the process, apparently), but once it was all hooked up again the screen no longer worked. It was pretty disappointing. The battery worked, though! I did that part right. The phone can now last all day. It can receive texts and calls. You just can't see or answer them. Or do anything else.
To punish myself for this failure, I have been using family members' old phones since August. I have my dad's old iPhone 4S and my brother's old Samsung Galaxy S3. They are from late 2011 and early 2012, respectively. I have learned a great deal of patience.
• Growing head hair. This just goes without saying.

Things I am thankful for:

• My lovely wife.
• My two silly boys.
• The new little kumquat on the way.
• The rest of my awesome family (the ones who don't live at my house).
• All of my material needs are met.
• Most of my material wants are met. I even got a good Black Friday deal on a new phone.

aging

Fall is upon us. I approve of this. Time keeps chugging along.

Speaking of time, Jason is now the ripe old age of 33. I always enjoy the seven month period where he is a whole number older than me. He continues to improve on his crotchety old man-isms in keeping with his lifelong dream of one day owning a rocking chair and cane and handing out tiny bags of pebbles to small children who dare ring the bell of our unlit house on October 31st. He likes to think that, despite that, he will be able to keep up with all the tech and gadgets of the youths of 2050. However, since he's already writing off so many things these days as things not worth his time [read: any piece of tech that seems silly to him and every social media platform newer than Facebook], I fear he is destined to the same inevitable fate of everyone else who reaches the 65-year-old mark: technological obsolete-ism. It's okay, love, I'll be right there with you and we will be blissfully content with our outdated device/knowledge and only a little bit bitter about how we ended up in the exact place we promised we would never be.

Sometimes I feel like I need to make an actual effort to stay connected with the times [how old does this make me sound? ugh]. I do eat avocado on toast, but I've done that for two decades. I try not to grimace when I'm in a store playing pop music. I even joined Instagram a long, long while ago, but then I never did anything with the account because I got overwhelmed by how pushy and creeper-ish it felt to go and "follow" people without them expressing interest in being followed by me. Sometimes I open up the app. I get up the gumption and decide to give it one more go. But then I see the tiled page of random pictures and videos of strangers I don't know/don't care to know and realize I'm still not ready. I'll get there one day. My pre-33rd-birthday bucket list: Be brave and follow more than 2 people on Instagram. Take that, my crotchety self!

Moving on down the line, we come to Lucas. Now, talk about a kid who is older than his years. This kid. He keeps growing and maturing and amazing us with his sheer awesomeness. Among the things I find most impressive about him is all the things he can do with a writing utensil. He loves to write and draw. We gave him a notebook to doodle in anytime he's in his room and it is a treasure trove of awesome. It has hand drawn maps of countries, street maps, art, connect the dot pictures, color by number pictures, random musings, and keys and legends galore. It is amazing. I love getting a glimpse inside of his quirky little mind! His handwriting and spelling seem so beyond a just barely 4-year-old. He can write small and neatly, or big and kid-like. He likes to spell everything correctly [he can spell legit words like excitement and scratching and everybody and jumper and meanwhile and birthday... and the list goes on] but also loves to make up new words in other languages. I taught him how to play Hangman the other day and gave him easy words like "Big Bear" and "pickle." And then on his turn he did "asaot" which apparently is "a made-up Chinese word that means lizard" and "T'dontengi" which, obviously, means "help" in "made-up Indian." What am I supposed to do with that? I love my boy so much.

Finley is his own little man. He is 16 months of energy and grunts and drool. He loves dancing if he even suspects there might be something musical in the air. He cannot get enough of Lucas, which Lucas enjoys 10% of the time, tolerates 30% of the time, and gets annoyed by 60% of the time. He is much rougher than Lucas, though this may just be the lack of awareness that comes with being a baby. We will see how that plays out. I suspect it will continue on as it has been going... I find it interesting how much Lucas as a baby has translated to Lucas as a kid, and I am quite looking forward to seeing if this will be the case for Finley. Because, if so, our house is going to be SO lively. Finley is not making much effort in the talking arena. He is in a really awesome book phase. He thinks the only kind of bear is a panda bear and does not recognize a normal old brown bear as a bear. He is obsessed with food right now. He is still pretty lacking in the hair department and every other day I find Jason sadly/encouragingly stroking Finn's hair, quietly coaxing/asking it to grow more. A dad and his boy, bonding over their under performing hair follicles...

So, this is us. We're all getting older and whatnot. Life continues to happen even when blog posts don't. Go figure.

summer conversations

It has officially been forever since our last post. Summer got away from us. Apologies.

Now I'm left with the ever so sticky conundrum of how to best go about blogging again. After such a long absence, should I "catch up" with everything that has occurred since our last post? Or should I pretend that there hasn't been a giant gap and post as if all of our summer--ing is already known? Or... should I just list off a bunch of quotes I've collected and call it a day? Yeah, let's go with option 3. Good plan, me.

Only one statue
*An image of the Christ the Redeemer statue in Brazil pops up on a TV at Costco*
Me: "Hey, Lucas, who do you think that is a statue of?"
Lucas: "...Liberty?"

No groove
Lucas: "Why don't you know how to boogie?"

Life truth
Jason, summing up conversation 3,824 about making good choices: "When you're an adult, your whole life is your consequence."

Outlook
Lucas: "Every day is a brand new story." ❤️

Medieval
Jason: "There are no exciting transport solutions except trebuchets."

Sympathy
Lucas, sadly: "I just wish Daddy had hair."
Me: "Why?"
Lucas: "Because Daddy does."

Culinary genius
Lucas: "I made a restaurant. It sells pizza and hand burgers."
Me: "Hand burgers..?"
Lucas: "Yes. Hand burgers."
Me: "Why do you think they're called hand burgers?"
Lucas: "Because you eat them with your hands..?"

Progeny
Me, bemoaning yet another baby mentally heading off to college (read: learning how to walk): "What will I do when I don't have any more babies??"
Lucas: "Well, you, you could just have a tenth baby."

Applesauce cake
Me: "So, did you enjoy your dinner?"
Lucas: "Yes, yes, I did."
Me: "What was your favorite part?"
Lucas: "Well, um, it was all pretty tasty, but yeah, the cake. Definitely the cake."

Bowing
Me: "I love how Finley nods all the way down to his waist."
Jason: "Well, he IS Asian."

Baby geography
Finley: *sounds like he says the word rabbit*
Lucas: "Finley said 'rah-bot'!"
Me: "Yeah, it did sound like he said rabbit!"
Lucas: "No, not RAB-bit. Rah-BOT. The capital of Morocco."

Friendship
Lucas: "Big Bear and Big Lion are best friends even though they're different."

Self-awareness
Jason: "I wouldn't have been a very good 17th century woman."

Perspective
Lucas: "Big Bear, when you touch me, it makes me feel like I have fur too."

AND MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE QUOTE...
Lucas: "Wouldn't it be funny if the meat chicken and the animal chicken were the same thing?" [I cannot remember what I told him because I was just dying laughing.]

So there you have it. Bits and pieces of our summer. Jason is now back at it with math-ing his students and trying to lovingly bring his lawn back to life. Lucas is creating his own street maps, color by number pictures, and dot-to-dots. Finley is pointing at everything, trying to climb everything with his still-too-stumpy legs, and absolutely refusing to say mama. I am trying to be more organized [HA] and that is taking all of my time and energy so that's about it for me. Oh! And I grew a tomato. And! I gave both boys a bath today all by myself. First time ever. Don't laugh at me - I feel so responsible and productive. I am pretty impressed with Mom-Me.

Life is in a really good groove right now. The boys are at fun, pretty easy ages. Jason's semester is as ideal as one could wish for. We have a lot of dance parties. And Fall is right around the corner. Life is good.

I need to go put some sweet potatoes in the oven.

brotherly choke hugs

the Finn Review

Dear Finley,

You are one. You are joy. You are mine.

I love the way your thighs are ticklish. And your armpits. And your knees. And the back of your neck.

I love the way you kiss, mouth wide open and with an emphatic "muah!" My knees and forearms have never felt so loved.

I love the way you look straight at me while you very deliberately pick up a piece of food, hold it out over the floor, and drop it. You never do it with pear though. That's edible gold.

I love the way you excitedly bounce yourself across the floor or sway back and forth until you fall over as soon as you hear music. 

I love the way you get excited at the end of a book. The construction trucks made an adventure playground again? The gorilla snuck back into the bed again? You never seem to see it coming.

I love the way you'll finish nursing, roll onto your back, and start clapping. It makes me feel like a million bucks.

I love the way you can completely change my mood with just a smile or a sound or a look. 

I prayed for a baby who would be content, joy-filled, and a good sleeper. Two out of three isn't bad at all. 

I love you, my little Finn. You are special beyond belief. 

Love,

Mama

10 bad guesses and 10 bad clues

Well, things got a little hectic at the end of the semester and then we went in vacation, so I didn't finish this as soon as I was supposed to. Still, now it's time for my interpretations of what Sharayah might have meant by the ten nouns she claimed describe me. I really tried, but most of the time I had no idea and just gave whatever idea made me chuckle to myself.

1. Boiling water - A watched pot never boils, but sure enough if you look away there is soon boiling water doing whatever it is you needed boiling water for. I think maybe this means that at first glance it doesn't seem like I do much, but somehow when you look away I get tons of things done.

2. Celery - Not very good on its own but ok added to a good soup or something. Insubstantial but adds flavor. I don't know how this applies to me.

3. Cuckoo clock - Dependable (predictable?) but a little eccentric (or annoying?).

4. Pickwick Papers - I'm ashamed that I don't know enough to get how the literary reference applies. I know it's a Dickens book, but I haven't read it. I know Sharayah thinks it's really funny. Let's just say this one means smart and funny.

5. Costco's 93-inch bear - Impressive to look at, but not worth the expense.

6. Female elephant - She won't tell me why it has to be a female elephant. She won't even tell me if it matters for the explanation. It can't be that "elephants never forget," because I definitely have the absentminded professor thing going on. I'm really stuck on this one. Large nose?

7. Onion - I saw this one and said, "I have layers? Like an ogre?" I was met with blank stares, so I continued, "Like in Shrek?" More blank stares. So probably that's not the reference she was making. I make you cry but not because you're sad? That doesn't sound good.

8. Antivirus software - I protect you, but I'm always pestering you to upgrade me to the premium version.

9. White vinegar - Very useful for a wide variety of applications. Kind of gross smelling. I don't like this one.

10. Toilet paper - This is pretty weird. Toilet paper is for cleaning your bum and not much else. I guess I do clean a lot of bums in this house.

That devolved pretty quickly. I don't think I got any of them right.

Next are my 10 nouns for Sharayah. These are all used as nouns here even when the more common meaning is an adjective.

Vine
Garlic
Math
Hummingbird
Self-help book
Alfred Pennyworth
Lemon
Boxer crab
Gladiolus
Integral

nine plus ten

At the end of every day I find myself completely blanking on the three dozen hilarious things that Lucas said that day. This bothers me so much. I try to jot them down somewhere. I try to make a mental note that will trigger the memory later on. But alas. Of the 142 things that I wanted to remember, I have managed to write down... 9 of them. Sigh.

I am going to make yet another concerted effort to remember more, but in the meantime, I feel as if I might as well share the 9 that did stick with me. So here goes..

Bathroom brainstorming:
Me: "Are you done going to the bathroom or do you have more?"
Lucas: "Mommy, maybe we should brainstorm some more."
Me: "Brainstorm about what?"
Lucas: "We need to brainstorm some more about if I am done or not. We should do some more thinking."
Me: "...I don't think I can help with that."
*Lucas places his hand on my shoulder and leans his head in close to my face*
Lucas: "Let's do some thinking, Mommy."

Book snoring:
*Lucas is running around the room making a "zzzzzzz" sound*
Me: "Are you pretending to be a bee?"
Lucas: "Um, no. Bees don't say 'zzzzzz.' People sleeping do."

Toy sharing:
*Lucas and Finley start fussing*
Me: "What's going on, boys? You need to play nicely with each other."
Lucas: "Finley has the button!"
Me: "It's okay if he plays with that button. You can play with one of the other buttons or wait until he's done with that one."
Lucas: "But... Finley tried to give the button to me but he accidentally gave it to himself!"

Superheroes:
*trying to explain who Captain America is*
Me: "He's a superhero. He fights bad guys."
Lucas: "But, but heroes don't fight. They are HEROES. They rescue people."

Introducing Disney movies:
Lucas: "Wall-E sounds like the capital of North Carolina."

Cooking:
*Lucas is stirring up some concoction in his pot*
Lucas: "Then you put in some soda..."
Me: "Soda? What's soda?"
Lucas: "Baking soda!"

Deep thoughts:
Me: "So what would you like to talk about?"
Lucas: "Well, if I found a big pile of dirt... I would dig in it to see if Finley was under it and then I would rescue him and help him out."
Me: "...why would Finley be under a pile of dirt?"
Lucas: "Anything could be under a pile of dirt."

Language arts:
*Jason is talking about a book he's reading*
Me: "How's the language?"
Jason: "Um... Slight."
Lucas, the ever listening: "How do you speak in slight?"

Naming schemes:
Lucas: "Why is it called toilet paper?"
Jason: "It's like paper and you use it on the toilet."
Lucas: "Well then... why isn't soap called bathroom bubbles?"

Welcome to the mind of Lucas!

Switching gears now, here's how the next round of our Ten themed posts are going down. [WE ARE GETTING SO CLOSE TO ANNIVERSARY EXTRAVAGANZA/the end of these excessive posts.] Jason chose the topic of Nouns, so nouns it will be. We will each compile a list of ten (obviously) nouns that we think describe the other person. That person will then have the chance to figure out what is meant by these descriptive nouns before the "real" answers are given. It may sound confusing, so let's cut to the chase and get to my list of ten nouns. Apparently I'm going first since someone was supposedly too busy with work and life responsibilities to come up with his ten words. *ahem*

Ten Nouns Describing Jason
- Boiling water
- Celery
- Cuckoo clock
- Pickwick Papers
- Costco's 93-inch bear
- Female elephant
- Onion
- Antivirus software
- White vinegar
- Toilet paper

So there you have it. Perfection. Jason will attempt to interpret these nouns for himself as well as give his list of ten for me in his next post. This is going to be good, you guys. Solidly mediocre entertainment!

Round 1: GUESS WHO?

Answer: "I'm Captain America!"

Round 2: GUESS WHO?

Answer: "I'm a salamander pretending to be an upside down walrus!"

toddler tears

We take a momentary pause in our Ten-themed posts for a brief glimpse into the life and mind of Lucas.

Reason to melt down in blubbery tears #417: You want to name your work of art "The Unusual Scribble Picture" but your 3-year-old mind cannot figure out how to spell "unusual" and your mom is upstairs putting your brother down for a nap...

The best he could sound out was "UHN UZURA" and he knew it wasn't right, so I came downstairs to a sobbing kid bent over his picture saying, over and over, "Mommy, Mommy, I don't know how to do it. How do you spell unusual? Hoooow?" I had such a mix of emotions when I saw him - sadness that my boy was so torn, amusement that this was a crying moment at all, pride that he had made such a valiant and thoughtful effort at such a new and difficult word...

Lucas, you are my ever so unusual and incredibly special little boy. You amaze me every day with your brilliance and goodness and maturity. Never stop tackling the difficult things. Never be afraid to ask for help. Never stop trying. I love you, buddy. So much. All the way to Papua New Guinea and Lichtenstein and back.

ten ways (the he version)

You know the drill by now. Here are 10 ways I'm the same as I was 10 years ago, and 10 ways I'm different.

same:
-I'm still socially awkward. Luckily I have built-in friends at home. And given enough time to get used to people, I do alright having regular human conversations out in the wild.
-I dress the same. Seriously, if I hadn't lost so much weight (see differences below) I'd probably be wearing the exact same clothes. I don't care about fashion or trendiness. I just want to wear what's comfortable and doesn't look terrible. Fairly casual polo or button down shirts for work (mostly lumberjack style shirts lately). Jeans, cargo shorts, t-shirts for not-work. I guess I have more t-shirts without words on them now.
-I still don't like shaving. I've finally found the solution, though.
-I still can't help following politics even though still not one politician represents my views on most topics.
-Pizza is still pretty great (although my toppings are different, see below).
-I spend large portions of the day thinking about math. Really, I spend large portions of the day thinking, period. I'm still pretty quiet and introspective. I also think about my kids, my family, the future, books I'm reading, music, how to solve the world's problems. But math definitely occupies a larger share of my thought-space than it should for a normal person.
-Quotes from Friends, The Office, and Homestar Runner still pop into my head frequently. At least I say fewer of them out-loud.
-I am equally good at juggling. Which is to say, I am still not good at juggling. Lucas likes to watch me, but my (lack of) skills have led to him thinking that juggling is just throwing a bunch of things in the air and watching them all land. He sometimes comes into a room with his hands full and says, "Let's juggle!" and immediately throws it all as high as he can, making no attempt to catch any of it.
-I'm probably too judgmental of people for what appears to me to be lack of thought, reason, or logic, or for other flaws, when I don't know their life or what they go through. And of course my list of flaws is just fine too, thanks, and while (contrary maybe to popular belief) I don't think it's wrong to think things are wrong, it's not my job to find and catalog all of the ways in which other people fail. I'm supposed to love people like Jesus and let Him handle the rest.
-I would still marry Sharayah in a heartbeat. Just because she went first doesn't mean I stole this one. There's no one else out there I could do life with. We are still perfect for each other.

different:
-I'm not balding anymore. I'm just plain bald. I actually think this is an improvement. I'd rank hair amounts as follows: 1: Hair. 2: Bald. 3: Balding. I think balding actually looks worse. What can you do with hair that's still trying to cover your head but obviously failing? It's much better to just be done with it and have a regular bald-guy hair style. I've come to accept my baldness. Turning 30 helped.
-I sleep less, but on a more normal schedule. I spent most of college never sleeping (alternating with crashing for long periods). Most semesters I was on a 6-nights-per-week plan (one semester was 5-nights-per-week), but I made up for it by crashing for over 12 hours most weekend nights. Now I sleep every night, but only 5-6 hours per night.
-I have a real job. I spent too many years to count as a student worker while going through my who-knows-how-many years of education. Near the end of grad school I was essentially doing the same thing I do now, but now I'm officially faculty instead of a grad student. Teaching isn't exactly lucrative, but it's a good job with flexible (though plentiful) hours so I can spend a lot of time with family and we can afford what we need.
-I eat differently. We never eat fast food. Sharayah cooks most days. I eat vegetables. Not all of them, but as far as vegetables go I ate pretty much just corn, peas, and potatoes before, so I've changed a lot. I actually like some vegetables, and I even eat some of the ones that I don't like. You won't find me eating a salad, but still. I also only eat fish and poultry on the meat side. That was actually barely even a conscious decision. Sharayah doesn't want to eat or cook the other meats, and we so rarely eat out, that it sort of just happened.
-I weigh a lot less. I think I'm backwards from the normal way, but my lifetime high weight is actually my wedding weight. I was 215 then. I had been about 205 through most of college. In the first year or two of marriage I dropped to 165 and I've stayed near there ever since. I've never hit 180 again. I didn't really try to lose weight, I just stopped eating at Saga since I wasn't a student and started eating home-cooked meals every day. Probably paying for my own food also helped.
-I don't really spend time on music anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still know enough on my guitar to lead a worship service (key of G, anyone?), but my guitar skills have really atrophied. I guess having successfully woo-ed the girl, I spend a lot less time trying to impress her with my music. This is one of my few changes that I'd like to undo, but having kids has cut out what little guitar time I was spending, so we'll see. I also had been listening to a lot less music, although I've been working on that. I haven't had time to go find new music, but I'm re-listening to my old stuff. Most of it is still good.
-Beard.
-I no longer drink soda or caffeine. I don't know how I did it. I was assuredly addicted to caffeine. All those 2-liter mountain dews didn't drink themselves while I pulled all those all-nighters in college. After we got married, I just decided (maybe she suggested it? I really don't remember) not to buy it anymore. I fall asleep a lot easier, my migraines are gone (though I still get approximately weekly headaches, they're not even remotely comparable to before), and I no longer crave green acidic beverages.
-I'm a much better (picture book) reader. I didn't notice this change, but Sharayah says I wasn't very good at it at first. Now I do voices and everything. It's very dramatic.
-I'm a dad. This is such a deep and profound change that I don't even know how to talk about it in summary form. Like Sharayah said, it gives an entirely new perspective on thinking of God as a Father. It changes all of my priorities. When you're a parent, you wake up every day and decide to put someone else before yourself over and over and over. Obviously as a husband I try to put my wife first, but she doesn't depend on me for her very survival (much as she might argue that point). Kids need you so fully and so innocently, and you are responsible for them in every way. I had no idea what being a dad was until the day I held Lucas. I know I was a dad for a while before that, but Sharayah really took care of all the parenting before he was born. The joy, stress, love, worry, pain, and elation I feel every day from being a dad is quite the emotional roller-coaster for a guy who used to be so even-keel that I wondered sometimes if I even had emotions.

Now I'm supposed to announce our next 10s topic.
Up next: 10 nouns.

ten ways [the she version] part 2

Part 2! Go!

"Ten Ways I am Different From 2008 Me!"

- I am much less sarcastic. Really. I am. I feel like there should be more to say here, but I'm erring on the side of "The less I say, the more true this difference will seem."

- If I get the urge, I can run a mile or two without feeling like I'm dying. This does not sound impressive, I know. But I have never been a runner. The ORU Fun Runs were always a source of inevitable embarrassment for me. So the fact that I can now, ten years/two kids/100 pints of ice cream later, go run a mile or two whenever I want without too much effort is a big deal. A big change. A good change.

- I think I'm significantly less weird. Or, at the very least, I have managed to install a low-functioning filter on my speech and actions. It sometimes makes life less fun and almost always makes life a little less awkward, but it is a change that I am sure the world appreciates. Sometimes I wonder how in the world Jason fell in love with me all those years ago. I was quite the odd duck. Good thing he didn't mind waterfowl.

- I understand God as a Father. This could probably be broadened into its own post all by itself, but I'll try to keep it brief. God has a lot of roles and God as Father is a big one, but I don't think I could ever fully wrap my head around it. In 2008 as a non-parent, I could only attempt to understand this particular relationship through the lens of being the child, and as it turns out, this really didn't give me the full scope of who He was to me. Once I became a parent, it pretty suddenly all made sense. The answer to the question of "Why even make beings who you know are going to mess up and turn from you and hate you?" The magnitude of what He did on the cross. Everything. God as my Father suddenly became a relationship I could completely wrap my head around. It was a neat light bulb moment.

- I am no longer [as bad of] a sympathetic cry-er. Honestly, I'm not sure this counts as a change since I'm pretty sure the stoic, unbidden tears still come if I have to watch an adult cry. BUT, I do not feel the urge to cry at all for, like, 99% of Lucas's and Finley's bawling events, so I think this surely counts as not being an absolute sympathetic cry-er like I feel like I used to be. I can stare at them right in their bright red, tear-streaked, bubbly-nosed faces and not feel even a smidgen of impending tears. Not a drop. And so mark it as progress I will!

- I worry and stress about things so much more. I blame mom-hood 100%. I love a good 92% of the changes that came from becoming a mom, but I dislike this change so.much. The fear of the unknown. The late night What If-ing. The anxiety of things all-the-time, inevitably, falling through the cracks. The stress of not being/doing "enough." It's rough sometimes. I want the best for my kids. I want them safe. I want them to feel loved. I want them happy and healthy and thriving. I don't know why these desires so often translate into worry and stress as that seems rather counterproductive. It is something I am constantly trying to work on [which, ironically, sometimes leads to even more stress...]. Because the bottom line is, I want to give them the best of me. And the best of me can't happen when I'm curled up with a sick stomach over some maybe-down-the-road tragedy. So. There's that. A work in progress I am. [A weird/sad side effect of this change is that I no longer enjoy storms. I used to love the sound of rain pounding away on the roof or the excitement of potentially losing electricity and having to use flashlights. No more. Now all I can think about is, "Will more of our shingles blow off? Will that thunder wake the boys? How am I going to calm the kids/make dinner/salvage the food in the fridge?" No fun at all. Le sigh.]

- I understand eating cheese. I used to think all cheese tasted the same. Cheese is cheese is cheese is meh. Take it or leave it. But now, for better [taste buds] or worse [waistline], I GET CHEESE. I know cheese names. I have a cursory understanding of the cheese-ing process. I can identify cheeses by sight and some even by taste. I'm not any cheese connoisseur, not even close. The fancy cheeses and the moldy cheeses and the cheeses that have names I can't pronounce... I'm still oblivious to their finer qualities and elite statuses. But the normal, everyday man cheeses, I get them. I understand their appeal. I accept that they make life tastier. I stand with you, cheeses!

- I have more self-confidence and can even speak with librarians without wanting to cry. Let's not get carried away here. I don't mean that I can now hold spur-of-the-moment coherent conversations with librarians [or anyone else for that matter] BUT I can approach the circulation desk and make a request without overthinking it for five minutes. My voice no longer quivers [though my volume control is still a bit wonky]. I can even smile and sorta look pleasant while doing it. I realize this probably does not sound like a boost in self-confidence at all, but trust me, it is. This change/progress can even be expanded to include people like cashiers and neighbors and sometimes customer service folks. I won't be able to think of anything to say beyond the initial pleasantries or the customer-to-employee request, but I can confidently carry out those menial tasks without wanting to be swallowed into the ground. Baby steps, I tell you.

- I no longer see a screaming child in the store and automatically think, "What a bratty kid. Man, if I was his parent..." Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. And sometimes being a parent now makes me feel like I have earned the right to raise my eyebrows and feel smug that my kid hasn't thrown a fit in public today. And I do often see poor behavior rewarded which instinctively makes me cringe on a good day and secretly judge on a bad day. But more often than not, I hear a wailing kid and instantly feel for the parent. I know what it's like to have a completely irrational child throwing a completely irrational fit and to feel the growing sense of panic or desperation or frustration. "Please, oh please, oh please, just stop screaming." It was interesting how quickly I noticed this change in perspective once I became a parent to the baby who red-faced angry yelled at any unfamiliar face; who seemed to time his cranky, fragile phases around the weeks where we had special outings or get togethers planned; and who took 9 months to smile at a non-family-member. Life happens, and with a kid that often means life happens with so.many.emotions whirling around. An inconsolable child doesn't necessarily mean rotten behavior or poor parenting. Oftentimes it just means a wee one with a missed nap or a late lunch or an irrational attraction to the normal smiley face drawn on the Costco receipt and not a rabbit smiley face. So now, instead of rolling my eyes and hearing snarky comments in my head, I find myself instinctively sending up a quick prayer for grace for the mom. Growth! 

- I can make some pretty good sheep/goat warbles. Also, I have really upped my horse whinny game. Reading books to kids really enhances skills you didn't even know needed to be enhanced. My chicken? I can bawk and cluck with the best of them. My dog? I can woof, bark, bow wow, ruff, arf, and howl. My cat? I can fool Puma. My cow needs more depth. My donkey still leaves much to be desired. My pig lacks that gutteral snort that really sells it. But my caprines? I can do flocks and herds of them, young or old, content or otherwise. I have even been known to sing the alphabet song as a sheep or goat; it's always a big hit. Basically, feel free to book me for your next birthday bash for children 3 and under - I'm as entertaining as a bounce house with a slow leak, and much cheaper.

So, there you have it! Ten more things. What's the takeaway from this post and the last? Let me bullet point it for you:

• Compared to pre-married me ten years ago, I am the same in at least ten largely unimportant ways.
• Compared to pre-married me ten years ago, I am different in at least ten largely unimportant ways.
• It is actually easier to think up differences than similarities.
• I can write forever about nothing in particular.
• I like ice cream.

Jason will be up next with his ten-plus-ten ways. He is also in charge of coming up with the next Ten Years topic, so get excited about that. Now, be on your way whilst I continue to think about ice cream.

my two best differents