how it happened with a girl

Apparently the new tradition is that I make the new baby post on the first birthday and combine it with the one-picture-from-each-week-for-the-first-year post. So, here is Aviyah's "how it happened" and first birthday post.

We didn't tell anyone we were having a girl. On the one hand, Vermettes were 16 boys to 1 girl for the last 4 generations (which is as far back as anyone remembers). So, most people would assume we were having a boy. On the other hand, it was the first one where we decided to keep it a secret, so some would assume that was *because* we finally had a girl. Never mind that we planned to keep it a secret before we knew it was a girl.

December 2022
Sharayah went to her anatomy scan ultrasound. We figured we were having a boy, but we decided to do a fun reveal for the kids anyway. Sharayah got some red grapes (for girl) and blueberries (for boy) and put eleven of them under eleven cups. There would be five of one and six of the other. The winner was the baby's gender. As the boys picked cups, I was a little disappointed that it looked like some of the suspense would be lost: we were mostly picking blueberries. I thought there were six blueberries, and it looked like through bad luck we were going to pick all six way before we picked the five red grapes. I thought it would have been more fun if we got to five and five and only then did we find the sixth blueberry.

However, we started to get lucky. After blueberry number five, we kept getting grapes. They just kept coming, and suddenly we were down to the last cup. I thought that was that. I was happy we got to keep it suspenseful for the boys, but I thought I knew the last one was a blueberry. I was completely shocked to see the red grape show up. I think I had to ask Sharayah several times if it was right, if we were really having a girl. Then, the difficult secret keeping began.

April 23, 2023
My parents came to town again to help with the kids during baby week. It was the Sunday before final exam week at work for me. I had once again lined up back-up proctors for all of my exams in case the baby came early. We were on our way to one last zoo day before we'd become homebodies for a while with a new baby. When we were almost there, poor Eli seemed droopy and sad. He hadn't eaten his bagel breakfast. He threw up all over himself in his car seat. It was so sad. We were so close to the zoo, and we didn't want to disappoint the big kids, so we decided to try to go anyway and see if he felt better. We bought him a zoo shirt (his backup clothes in the diaper bag were too small because we never remember to update them), put him in the stroller, and tried to make the best of it. He didn't perk up much, but he made it through ok.

Sadly, at home he threw up several more times. Any hopes that he had just been carsick or something were dashed. He was a sick baby, right as we were preparing to have another baby. A very tough day and night.

April 24, 2023
I had to go to work since the baby wasn't coming yet. Eli had a better day, but still threw up once. The other boys still seemed fine. We were holding on and hoping everyone could be healthy by birthday. Due date was 5 days away. Still a tough night with Eli. Then Lucas threw up overnight. It was spreading.

April 25, 2023
Never mind. The other three boys were now throwing up and various amounts of sad and droopy. So many buckets strategically placed around the couch where they sat all day. Thankfully, Eli seemed a little better and wasn't throwing up today. We had some hope that it was maybe only a 2 or 3 day thing, at least the throwing up part.

April 26, 2023
All the boys were varying amounts of lethargic all day. Eli still seemed so forlorn and weak. My parents had been keeping their distance just to be sure they wouldn't catch anything and be unable to help on baby day, but they came over today. Oh, yeah, maybe you forgot, but this is the baby post, not the sick kid post. The due date was the 29th, but overnight Sharayah had begun to feel early signs of labor (we also finished the pre-baby puzzle, which is usually a big sign of baby time). No contractions, but she thought it might be the day. I used that plus the boys all still being droopy as an excuse to stay home since I only had office hours (no exams).

Not much happened on the baby front all day. The boys sat around and we tried to keep them happy. That evening, some of the boys seemed to be perking up a little. But near (early) bedtime, poor Eli was just lying on the floor of the living room and had an explosive diaper disaster. He was so upset and was just lying there. It was a horrible end to a day. It was not the lead up to baby day that we wanted.

Everyone was exhausted, but of course babies come when they're ready. After feeling vaguely labor-ish all day, Sharayah finally started feeling regular contractions around 6. Since the boys were worn out and sick anyway, I started getting them put to bed. Our normal bedtime routine is over an hour of getting pajamas on, brushing about a hundred teeth, reading books, singing songs, hugging, and going to sleep. It's a big job and a team effort. We had sent my parents back to their hotel to eat and rest up in case we needed to call in the middle of the night. Sharayah's contractions out of nowhere were ramping up too much for her to help. I rushed to get all the kids quickly to bed. I had them down near 7 and found Sharayah in the late stages telling me her water broke at about 7 while I was putting them down. Contractions had picked up into imminent-baby range as soon as her water broke. She was filling the tub with water. I started trying to help her through contractions and grab random stuff in between.

Our midwife, Jessica, arrived at about 7:15. Between contractions, I was still frantically gathering towels and I forget what else. At 7:20, Sharayah started pushing. She is so good at the baby part. Aviyah's shoulder briefly got stuck and I was so thankful Jessica was there in time. Aviyah joined us at 7:24. I had barely had time to do any of the various things I had planned to do to get ready during early labor. It all happened so crazy fast. Sharayah had gotten her quick baby, home birth, and girl all at once. (I finally believed we really had a girl.) I texted my parents to let them know all was good and they could sleep peacefully and come back in the morning. Jessica did all the new-baby-checking and we settled in to hold and stare at our new perfect #5. All the awfulness of the week seemed not to matter anymore. She was a perfect baby.

I can't tell you how much we did or didn't sleep that night or for the next week, but I know that newborn time was amazing as always. Sharayah likes to say she was/is a perfect baby/the best baby. At risk of offending the others (we love them all equally), she is the easiest at a lot of baby things. She is a happy potato. She's so sweet and easy-going. She loves her people so much. It's been an amazing year seeing her grow and learn and love her brothers, and seeing them grow and love her. All the boys love being a big brother to a little sister. They all show their love for her in their own ways.

52 photos for 52 weeks

Dear Aviyah,
Happy both birthdays! You've been such an amazing baby. We love how sweet and joyful you are. Watching your glee at watching your brothers is the best. You help our house be so full of love. I never knew how much I needed a daughter, but I know I wouldn't be me if I wasn't your dad. You make me feel a whole other set of feelings I didn't know about. I love you desperately, and being dad to you and your awesome brothers gives my life so much joy.
Love,
Dad

aviyah galore

If you are not a fan of a billion pictures of someone's child in a slightly different position with a slightly different expression on her face, this post is not for you. You have been warned.

Hello, Aviyah Brielle.

She is the sweetest little baby.

She is 10.5 weeks old. How has it been such a short amount of time and yet it feels like I've known her forever.

She weighs a little over 16 pounds. This puts her in the 99th percentile which is exactly on par with her brothers at this age.

She is 24 inches long, now officially tall enough to be marked on the kids' height chart.

She has an untameable puffy head of hair.

She is my most finicky baby to nurse so far, though clearly her mid-arm rolls and chunky cheeks are not suffering.

She might love me the most if her love is measured by who she smiles for the most. Her smiles take her from pretty adorable to absolutely irresistible.

She is by far our most chill baby. Full disclosure: I sometimes place her somewhere and... momentarily forget she's there. She will just chill quietly by herself. She is a very different type of baby from what I've become accustomed to the past 9 years.

She's not super into tummy time and working out her neck muscles. Don't get me wrong, she doesn't mind being placed on her belly. She just does not yet see the point of using that time to be productive.

I love her so much.

birth contemplations

We have reached the two-week countdown! This is literally my favorite time of pregnancy. Yes, I feel like a whale. Yes, I waddle like a whale-ish penguin. Yes, I grunt and huff and ugh my way through getting out of bed and squatting to pick up toys and straining to reach the faucet when I'm doing the dishes. BUT. It is still my favorite time of being pregnant.

Two weeks feels like nothing, especially when I consider the "one week left" time period to be "this is THE week" time period [regardless of its accuracy (I have a 50% accuracy rate currently)]. All of the icky parts of pregnancy are theoretically done [no more pesky symptoms, no more needles, no more "am I going to fail this test" anxiety fests, etc]. All I have left is the last bit of waiting and then it's Hello, Sweet Baby time. Gah, it's the best. Come on, labor, let's do this thing!

For the past couple of months, one of my wind-down for sleep activities [besides going over our very ignored to-do list] is mentally walking through all of my past labors and deliveries. It is simultaneously exciting and calming. Each of the boys has slid into this world in a very different and yet also similar way/time frame and I am hopeful that this will remain the pattern for the fifth round. If I had to choose an ideal replica birth, I'd say I would pick... a Finley delivery. He came fast, didn't allow me a lot of angry mutter time during labor, and was a born-in-the-tub baby. Five stars, would do again. 

The one thing I would not prefer about a Finley delivery is the fact that he was a day late. I know in the grand scheme of things, one day late is still crazily punctual [the mere fact that you can possibly predict within a few days when something will happen 280-ish days before it happens is just miraculous in itself], but it still seems a bit rude. Lucas was a due date baby, Finley was one day late, Sebastian was two days early, and Eli was two days late. So, all we need now is a one day early baby to complete the pattern. Do you hear me, Boo? IT WOULD BE SO SATISFYING. Please and thank you. We shall see. 

Another baby related tidbit that entertains me is thinking about how long I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding or both. It is mind boggling.

• 2013 - pregnant [only for an extremely tiny portion of the year, to be fair, but still counts]
• 2014 - pregnant/breastfeeding
• 2015 - breastfeeding
• 2016 - pregnant/breastfeeding
• 2017 - pregnant/breastfeeding
• 2018 - pregnant/breastfeeding
• 2019 - pregnant/breastfeeding
• 2020 - pregnant/breastfeeding
• 2021 - pregnant/breastfeeding
• 2022 - pregnant/breastfeeding
• 2023 - pregnant/soon-will-be-breastfeeding

I am somehow approaching almost four years of actively growing a baby inside of me and almost seven full years of nursing said babies. That is such a huge chunk of my life, but hands down it has been such an excellent use of my time. It has been ever so busy and exhausting but also ever so fulfilling and grand. Even though it also seems like downright craziness. I might need a new hobby soon.

Apparently 37-to-38-ish weeks is when everyone in our neighborhood all agreed that it was finally safe to assume I am indeed pregnant. The possibility that the size of my stomach was just the result of indulging in too many tacos was no longer reasonable, though one neighbor did actually ask, "Do you know if it's a boy taco or a girl taco?" So... maybe I'm somehow still leaving them in doubt. The sudden influx of questions from the neighbors is most likely also due to the fact that the warm weather has allowed me to break out all the summer clothes, which makes this belly o'mine undeniably obvious when we go on walks. 

Speaking of walks, I suppose it's time for another resolution progress report.

• Kitchen sinks/counters completely empty of dishes every night: ✔️ There was one incident of the instant pot being left to soak for two nights... but it was eventually remedied. Jason has been coming to my rescue on this one a lot recently at dinner any time I just do not want to stand hunched/stretched over the sink one more time. I need longer arms when I'm pregnant... 
• Read through the Bible this year: ✔️ I somehow fell behind four entire days over the Easter weekend 😬🤦🏻‍♀️😬🤦🏻‍♀️ I KNOW HOW TERRIBLE THAT SOUNDS. But it's all good now. I am well into 1 Samuel now and back on track. 
• Walk 200 miles [in the same socks (don't ask)] before the baby arrives: ✔️ I am pretty stoked about this one as I am so close to finishing. I have a mere 14 miles to go which, like the last two weeks of pregnancy, is nothing compared to the 186 miles already accomplished. 🎉
• Don't reach an all-time-high weight by the end of this pregnancy: 🤔 It's going to be close, guys. Real close. BUT that's not actually a bad thing! I did not think this was actually an attainable goal [due to starting weight] and honestly I'm just pleased that, at the very least, I'm going to land oh so close to my Eli pregnancy max weight [instead of continuing my five-pounds-heavier-than-the-last-pregnancy trend]. I usually weigh myself at 39 weeks and then just call it done, since I say anything goes food and exercise wise the final week 😄🤷🏻‍♀️
• Read 75 books: ✔️ I'm at 17 books for the year so far. Definitely still a doable goal, though I may need to do some shorter, more reasonable reads through the summer to prep for the end of the year. I only have one more 1200+ page book on the docket, so that should help immensely. 
• Blog more: ✔️ I think this one deserves a checkmark for sure. The real test will obviously be the second half of the year, but still. ✔️✔️✔️

Will this be the last blog post before Boo arrives? 😬🤞🏼🎉 

[don't judge the September 2019 calendar that I'm using to track my miles in April 2023- THERE'S A REASON]

fourteen days of celebration

If you know Jason at all, you know how much he loves to party. You know how much he loves to plan and execute festive occasions. You know how much he loves to dream up party decor, shop for gifts, bake celebratory desserts, and organize fun activities.

If you know Jason at all, you know how the entire above paragraph is written tongue-in-cheek at best and is more accurately just a downright lie.

Jason is seriously excellent at executing tasks. He is truly top notch when it comes to organizing and project prep. Plus, underneath his chill, un-hyped exterior, he is a pretty entertaining and fun fellow. But applying those characteristics to festivities is a big no go for him. I think it ranks up there in his top five list of Things I Never Want to Be Responsible For.

And yet, here we are, a mere two-ish weeks away from his grand moment of the year: The Fourteen Days of Celebration. And this year, it's even bigger than ever [woo 🎉]. 

Here's the agenda:

• Actual birth day of Boo, baby numero cinco
• Fourth birthday for Sebastian
• Second birthday for Eli
• Fifteenth wedding anniversary
• Mother's Day

All squeezed into a two-ish week period. Oof.

For Boo's birth, obviously there is not much that Jason needs to do to prepare, unless you count all of the random tasks and projects I come up with at the last moment. But it is still a pretty big life event, and there is some emotional prep work and some mental "get ready for the sleep deprivation" prep for him. But no festivities to organize. So I think it will be a nice soft opening for his Fourteen Days of Celebration.

Normally I handle the boys' birthday prep, but with this being a New Baby year and our hopes being that I will be snuggling a squishy babe/chilling in postpartum euphoria by the time May 1st/2nd [the two birthdays] rolls around... I have mentally relinquished the birthday-ing execution to Jason. He knows this, but I'm not sure he truly knows this, if you know what I mean. Sebastian is old enough this year to actually look forward to his birthday and he is oh so excited for its arrival and I want it to be everything he's imagining. Birthday theme: All Things Fish. [If Boo decides to be inconveniently and rudely late and wants to crash a brother's birthday, this will obviously change all the plans 😄] 

Fifteen years of marriage is LEGIT. That's a decade and a half of living life with my best friend. The best years of my life, I tell you. We generally do not do much for anniversaries, so there honestly isn't a lot of pressure on Jason, but anniversary fifteen seems like we should do something out of the ordinary, really party it up low-key style. But there will be a newborn. And four other children. So... gotta keep things realistic. [Back when we were young and naive, we declared a just-the-two-of-us cruise for our fifteenth... alas.]

And lastly, there is Mother's Day. It will be my ninth Mother's Day and my first one as a mama of five ❤️ Again, there are usually very low expectations for any celebration of this holiday, but undoubtedly Jason will feel compelled to do something outside of normal day things. Once I remind him of the date, that is 😉

All in all, with how we do celebrations/holidays/anniversaries, it is not that much to pile on Jason's plate 😄 But it will feel like a lot to one who finds festivity planning stressful and overwhelming. By the time he wraps up Mother's Day, he will either be a pro at throwing celebrations or he will be checking out of all celebrations for the rest of the year. I'll keep you updated.

[And just for the record, regardless of how much or little pomp and circumstance there is, I'm greatly looking forward to this particular Fourteen Days of Celebration. It will be the best of times with the best family of seven.]

i love him immensely.

the march is upon us

The most exciting part about March being here is that it means next month is Bebe Month. This kiddo is almost 33 weeks along now and active at all the times that are inconvenient. But as long as the hour-long squirm fests at 11 pm every.night do not affect the current head-down position we've got going on, I'm okay with it. We have yet to settle on a name still. Is Boo sounding more and more like a legit name to anyone else? My pre-baby to-do list continues to have the most random things added to it, BUT Jason took the initiative to start knocking some things off of there last weekend. So, whew. 

With each new baby, I feel less and less desire/need to even make a pseudo baby registry, and I think baby #5 is where I give up the practice entirely. There. It's official. The problem is that I still feel the urge to buy something for the squishy. But I do not need anything. Maybe another hooded animal towel? I'm dreaming big over here. What I have unofficially decided is that I will choose one large item, a splurge purchase, and call it a day [current considerations: a wagon stroller or an oversized glider chair]. This will scratch all of my itches: I will not be afflicted by the ridiculous feeling that I am neglecting my child. I will get to obsessively research something and get lost down all the rabbit holes of the child-gear-related review sites on the internet. And, most likely, I will end up not purchasing anything except a new set of onesies or maybe a cute pair of jammies. It will be a win-win for everyone.

Welp, I guess it's time for an update on my unofficial list of resolutions really quick:

• Kitchen sinks/counters completely empty of dishes every night: ✔️ I've definitely needed help from Jason a few times a week in order to keep this going, but the streak lives on!
• Read through the Bible this year: ✔️ I can't remember what happened, but last month I got about 3 days behind in my reading plan. And then I was faced with 9 chapters of Leviticus and about 4000 bull sacrifices to catch up on. I do not recommend this. But everything is back on course and I'll be heading into Deuteronomy shortly...
• Walk 200 miles [in the same socks (don't ask)] before the baby arrives: ✔️ The motivation meter definitely dipped in February, but technically I am still on pace to get it done. Over 100 miles down, but less than 2 months left 😬 Weather, I could really use your cooperation!
• Don't reach an all-time-high weight by the end of this pregnancy: February was a decent month. I feel like I entered the month looking 32 weeks pregnant and left the month looking 32 weeks pregnant, so I'll take it.  
• Read 75 books: ✔️ 11 books read so far this year, and I haven't yet hit a rut. I always enjoy being in a reading phase where each new book is one that I enjoy reading. Why is it not always that way, you may ask? Because I have a ridiculous rule that I must finish any book I start. Even if it is terrible in every way. I try to screen each book before I commit to it, but my method is not infallible. And then I get stuck. And then I don't want to read it. And then I stop reading. 
• Blog more: Jury is still out on this one.

In other news, homeschooling continues to flow along and I couldn't be more pleased or satisfied. I am 4 years [5?] into this and this school year has been the most "put together" feeling. Am I the fun, exciting teacher yet? Nope. But I'm still holding out hope. I think maybe a few more years of broken expectations of what "should" be will help. I'll keep you posted.

beginning-ish of the year

Let's ignore the fact that I have not written here since last July. Excellent. Thanks.

Instead, let's check up on my New Year's resolutions, shall we?

• Kitchen sinks/counters completely empty of dishes every night: ✔️ truly a habit/streak never before accomplished in my nearly 14 years of home management
• Read through the Bible this year: ✔️ on pace
• Walk 200 miles [in the same socks (don't ask)] before the baby arrives: ✔️ slightly ahead of schedule
• Don't reach an all-time-high weight by the end of this pregnancy: ✖️ not looking good
• Read 75 books: ✔️ 7 books down [can I count the Bible as one of my books at the end of the year? 🤔]
• Blog more: ✖️🤦🏻‍♀️

So... all in all, one month in and a net positive so far? I'll take it. Perhaps I can achieve the last resolution by having monthly progress updates about the rest of my resolutions. That wouldn't be boring at all.

Other quick life updates:

• There is another baby growing inside of me. So much happiness. Reaching third trimester always feels so good.
• Jason is winning more board games than normal and it weirdly may be related to my very noticeable pregnancy brain this time around. He does not seem to mind.
• Lucas has finally reached a point where I sometimes need to actually teach him through a math concept. It makes me feel teacher-y and makes him very frustrated. Welcome to seventh grade math, son.
• Finley continues to say his favorite animal is a tarantula. Why. Also, in case you didn't know, he's self-proclaimed "the best" at pretty much any activity. 
• Sebastian is obsessed with making "Mario tracks/levels" out of anything at his disposal - Legos, marble runs, train tracks, rubber blocks, etc. His levels are filled with dozens of lava hurling "bosses" and "moons/stars/coins" to collect. I love seeing his creations but often run out of time to hear him describe each one in neverending detail.
• Eli was our earliest by far walking baby and now he's making sure he's extra memorable by holding off on speaking as long as possible. But, in the past week or so, he's finally started showing some interest in sharing his thoughts. Finally.
• Baby #5 continues to be addressed as Boo as we apparently are unable to come to a name agreement. It's not bothering me AT ALL 😐 But Boo seems unphased and is living life all squirmily and kickily. Grow, baby, grow.

So there you have it. Here's to more blog posts in the hopefully not-so-distant future! 🤞🏼

hand in hand

Rare is the walk where I don't eventually feel a little hand comfortably slip into mine. 

Sometimes it's sweaty.
Sometimes sticky.
Sometimes clammy.
But it gives me a secret little thrill every time. 

Because my boy is not holding my hand because of a "hold my hand while we cross the street" command or a "if you can't stop touching things in the store, you will just have to hold my hand" discipline or even a "do you want to hold hands and walk together?" invitation.

He's holding my hand merely because he wants to hold my hand. As a mama, I LIVE for these unprompted moments of trust, affection, and simplicity. 

I know one day that little sweaty/sticky/clammy hand will slip into mine for the last time. And I won't even know it's the last time. So I let myself revel in each moment. Feel the emotions. Take the pictures. Create the memories.

This life is everything I imagined it would be.

fourteen is a long time

Right before we got married, I was asked if there were any flaws that I saw in Jason. I think it was a "don't go into marriage expecting to change your spouse" conversation opener. After a few awkward moments of thought, I believe I said, "I guess maybe he sleeps too much and spends too much time playing video games?" [Could it be more obvious we were just two young college students?] I'm pretty sure that was not the kind of answer I was supposed to come up with, but I do not do well with being put on the spot [and I would appreciate everyone taking note of this for future interactions with me 😄].

Fast forward 14 years, Jason now lives in a perpetual state of sleep deprivation and only squeezes in a video game session on the random evening free of other responsibilities or entertainment. So I guess it just goes to show that you CAN change your spouse. [And that Jason is apparently now flawless? 😂] BUT, in all of the important "this is why I love you" ways, Jason has remained utterly steadfast and unchanging. He was and continues to be the most logical, selfless, considerate, funny, patient man I have ever known, and I would choose him to be my forever friend time and time again.

While not much has changed in the last 14 years - aside from the four degrees, four homes, and four children - it has still been the most satisfying, most exciting, most normal, most "this just makes sense" 14 years of my life. ♥️

Happy 14th anniversary, love! You make the day in and day out better in every way. I'm so glad you were able to look past all the weird and odd and just see me all those years ago. lessthanthree

how it happened a year ago

Did you guys know we had a fourth baby? Yeah, I was surprised, too.

Usually in the few weeks after we have a baby I write up my version of the events in here. It's a bad excuse (especially since Sharayah managed over a dozen blog posts during the year), but between the baby and the other kids and work, I never got to it. So, here it is, mixed into his 1-year birthday post.

April 2021
We were hoping for an April baby so that every kid would have different birthday month. The due date was April 30, so we thought we definitely had a chance, although it would be close. My spring teaching semester would also be ending in the last week of April, so I made preparations in case Eli early came and I had to miss some final exams. I prepared all my exams over a week early and had them printed and sitting in labeled folders on my desk at work. The department chair had worked out various people who cold step in and proctor any given exam if I needed to miss any. I also got permission to skip graduation since I had to leave in the middle when we thought Sebi was coming (though he turned out not to be born until the following day, as you can read about in his "how it happened" post).

My parents came to be on call to watch the kids when labor started, we did some of the walking, spicy foods, etc. to get labor going, but he did not want to be an April baby.

Saturday, May 1
Sebi's 2nd birthday. We switched from wanting Eli to hurry up to wanting him to wait a little bit so they could have separate birthdays. We celebrated Sebi and things were still uneventful baby-wise.

That night, contractions started early enough that Sharayah didn't go to sleep. I went to sleep at some point but didn't sleep much.

Sunday, May 2
Around 3 she could tell she wouldn't be making it to morning without heading to the birth center. Around 4 she called the birth center and woke me up to call my parents and have them head over from the hotel to sleep on the couch so they could be with the kids in the morning. Contractions were progressing pretty steadily, so it seemed like we wouldn't be having another slow boy.

We arrived at the birth center around 5am. Contractions were already under 3 minutes apart. We got straight into the tub for possibly a water birth. Contractions slightly lessened in intensity once she was in the water, but they were still going pretty consistently most of the time. They definitely seemed to take a lot out of Sharayah. It seemed to me (because I only woke up at 4) that things were moving pretty quickly, but Sharayah seemed kind of discouraged that things weren't moving along as quick as she hoped they would, and she was getting really sleepy and tired. It turned out, actually things were still moving along. She spent most of the time up until the birth thinking that she might still be really far off from the pushing phase. For some reason, she just wasn't feeling those "the baby is really just about to come out" kinds of feelings. I think she was probably worried about it taking a long time like last time (when she labored for about four hours at the birth center) and she was also getting really beaten up by the contractions. I filled my usual role of speaking comforting words, putting pressure on her lower back because apparently that's useful (?), and just being there with her.

Around 7am, suddenly, he was definitely coming. For some reason (dealing with intense contractions?) Sharayah was standing when his head came out, so he was out of the water. They asked me if I wanted to catch him, so I went for it. It's kind of blurry, but it seems like he just kind of plopped into my hands. It was hard to see what I was doing, and such a crazy moment. Birth is always surreal and amazing, but catching the baby is a whole other layer. My brain says he did a sort of half-flip as he landed in my arms, but I'm sure that's just a weird brain thing.

Sharayah switched from exhausted and uncertain and ready to be annoyed if she had to wait a long time for the pushing phase again to over-the-moon happy in an instant. She always gets those post birth super content feelings, but I've never seen her glow quite like this before. She later very accurately described it as euphoria.

After approximately 8 hours of contractions, and less than two hours at the birth center, we got our fourth fella.

We stuck around for all the required checking him (and Sharayah) out to make sure everyone was ok. We stared at another miracle. Then we came home and I somehow waited a year to write this post.

In the past year, Eli has been our tiny, euphoria-inducing lump, another one-pound-per-week superchunk, and now a giant, walking and running tiny little man. He had the biggest chins we've seen yet and radiated the most pure, unadulterated joy. He loves his big brothers so much and couldn't wait to keep up with them. His motor skills developed way faster than any of his brothers, and he was walking freely at 9 months. Now he practically runs everywhere and giggle-chirps excitedly every time he has free reign to wander. He tackles the cat with gusto every chance he gets and tries to eat everything any brother has every held. He kept his gummy grin longer than anyone so far. He is somehow super clingy and needy but also able to play independently for pretty long periods of time (as long as we watch for him eating everything). He has the fluffiest little head ever and gives awesome tiny hugs. I didn't know I wanted a fourth baby, but he showed me I needed one.

The older kids have accepted him into the club with open arms. They constantly talk to him and show him things. As usual, Finley is the biggest baby lover. He now says Eli is his best friend and the one he loves the most. Everyone always wants to hug Eli, try to pick up Eli, or sit Eli in their laps (which is getting harder, since he's about 24 pounds). He just wants to be one of the big boys, and he's getting closer all the time.

Dear Eli,

You have successfully added to our chaos. I know you a little better than I usually know the new baby when I write this post. You are joy encapsulated and a determined, unstoppable force when you want to get somewhere. You (like your brothers before you) make me so out-of-my-mind tired, but I can't imagine our family without you. I'm sorry I took so long to write your birth story, but in fairness you made us wait until May when we clearly explained we wanted you to come in April. I love being your dad and watching you learn and grow and chase after your brothers. Happy birthday (for last year and this year)!
Love,
Dad

a naturally occurring haiku

After a full day of festivities celebrating Sebastian in all the ways a newly turned 3-year-old would love, it was finally bedtime. 

Every boy jammied.
Every tooth brushed.
Every book read. 

Jason was with the big three singing the songs, giving the animal kisses, doling out the extra hugs. I was with Eli, nursing him, trying not to doze off with him, rocking him before putting him in bed. 

And then it hit me like a sledge hammer to the gut [I know that sounds dramatic, but sometimes emotions are a tad dramatic and who am I to fight it]: This would be the last time I would go through this bedtime routine with my baby before he turns one the next day. In the midst of all the things Sebastian today, I hadn't given Eli's birthday even a passing thought until this moment. And did it ever hit hard.

He will be the same baby tomorrow. I will put him in his bed tomorrow night just one day older, no tangible difference in development or disposition, no quantifiable change in any way.

And yet. And yet, it will be completely different.

The first year getting to know someone can be life changing. Every time God gives you a new baby, there is this utterly satisfying realization of "Life will never be the same," and I can't help but revel in it. The Little Things, day in and day out, somehow become the Big Things I Never Want to Change. The newborn days turn to infant weeks, turn to baby months; rolling becomes sitting, becomes crawling, becomes toddling; coos transition into giggles, transition into babbling, transition into "Is that a word??" 

And then, suddenly, it is about to be one entire year since you first met, face to face, this bundle of goodness and wholeness in the squishiest of packages. Just one last bedtime routine. One last time of placing your drowsy baby into his crib before he celebrates his first trip around the sun. 

It hit me hard as I realized this, while literally in the middle of placing him into his bed. Did I lift him out again to walk with him a bit longer, snuggle him one last time? Did I awkwardly manage to pick up my phone off the floor with my toes and maneuver it into my non-dominant-baby-bearing hand so I could take one last picture of my drowsy mere-hours-away-from-being-one baby? Did I nudge him awake so I could whisper how much I love him and kiss every part of his soft face?

Spoiler alert: I did.

Eli,
You are joy. You are determination. You are contentment. I hope life continues to amaze you with its wondrous discoveries. I hope you always know in your heart and feel in your soul the love we have for you. I hope you know I will forever chuck you under your chins [until you get embarrassed and ask me to stop]. Never stop chasing after good [and Puma]. You are indescribably loved and wanted and treasured.
Love,
mama

it is the last night
putting my baby to bed
before he turns one